


Where Do We Go From Here?

by Briston



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcohol Withdrawal, Bad Parent John Winchester, Castiel Takes Care of Dean Winchester, Castiel Takes Initiative (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Dean Winchester Says the Wrong Thing, Dean Winchester drinks too much, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Has Issues, Hurt Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Sam Winchester is Not Amused, Sam Winchester is So Done, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:48:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27877886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Briston/pseuds/Briston
Summary: Post 15 X 19 and a world where 15 X 20 doesn't happen. Life is getting back to normal, and Cas is back. Dean is not handling things well, but he's trying. Sam is tired of being the third wheel of this relationship. Nothing is ever easy for these two, but they'll get there. Some discussion about suicide, violence, alcoholism, and homophobia.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 29
Kudos: 64





	1. Botched Reunion

Sam leaned against the kitchen counter and sipped his coffee thoughtfully. Something was out of place and he couldn’t quite figure it out. There was literally nothing, and no one to worry about. Chuck had been defeated, Jack had returned everyone, and the world was getting back to “normal”, whatever that meant. Two days ago, Cas had shown up at the door, resurrected – again, by Jack he assumed, and therein was the problem.  
Initially, he had expected them all to fall into the easy groove that the three of them had together. Except they didn’t. Maybe it was because for the first time since he could remember they weren’t in crisis; racing to stop some kind of impending doom. He didn’t know, he just knew that his awkward friend seemed even more, well, awkward. On the first night he was back they had takeout and drinks to celebrate his return. Sam noticed that Cas had been quiet and didn’t really join in on the conversation, Dean for that matter had been visibly relieved and obviously happy when Cas had shown up but also got quieter as the evening wore on. He wasn’t sure what the elephant in the room had been, but it was definitely there.  
Doing his best to break the tension, he had jokingly asked Dean and Cas if they were going to take advantage of their “more profound bond” and shut him out of hunting trips moving forward. To say that went over like a lead balloon was an understatement. Cas had put his fork down and stood up from the table.  
“Sam, Dean, it is good to be back. Thank you for dinner. If it is alright with you, I am going to my room. I am still not myself after coming back from the Empty…and would like some time alone.”  
The angel had barely left his room since, and if Sam didn’t know any better, he’d say that Cas was depressed. Withdrawn, quiet, avoiding both he and Dean, Sam was more than a little worried about Castiel, that maybe something had happened in the Empty, something that he hadn’t shared with them. The three of them had each had their experiences with torture and trauma over the years, if that’s what was going on, he hoped Cas would bring it up when he was ready to talk about it.  
___  
Dean felt like a dick. He was blowing it, big time.  
When Cas had died, what he had said to Dean just before, it had broken him. Thinking about it now still brought him to tears. What could have been, what he wished he had said, the unbearable loss, and the knowledge that it was too late had tormented him until Cas had walked back through the bunker door. Relief, joy, and hope had washed over him all at the same time, and he had run to Cas to welcome him home, to make it right, to tell him that he felt the same way, that he loved him. And then Sam showed up.  
What he needed to say, couldn’t be said in front of Sam. He hadn’t told Sam what had happened between Cas and him in the dungeon, it was too private, too painful when it looked like Cas had been gone for good. His angel was back, and he was never going to let him out of his sight again. The only problem was that he wanted to tell Cas without an audience, so he didn’t say he wanted to say, he said what was safe.  
“Cas, buddy, you’re back, we missed you! You will not believe what’s been going on around here, right Sammy?” As soon as the words left his mouth he knew, knew he’d fucked up. Whatever light that had been in Cas’s eyes, those piercing blue eyes, had dimmed immediately.  
Trying to recover, he had suggested takeout to celebrate. Not that Cas ate anything, but to get Sam out of the bunker so they could talk. Once Sam left, he took a deep breath and tried again.  
“So, ah…how was the Empty?”  
“It was empty, Dean.” Cas’s expression became guarded. Strike two, this wasn’t going well.  
“Oh, right. Obviously. What I meant to say was, did you see Jack?”  
“Yes, he came to get me. Gave me the choice of returning to heaven or returning here. I told him that I at least wanted to come here first before I decided…to see if I was still needed here now that Chuck is finished.”  
Shit. This wasn’t going the way Dean had planned. Panic flipped a switch inside his head and he began to spiral on the inside.  
“Jack told us that he was taking a hands-off approach, I wasn’t expecting to see him again. Do you mean that you can just pray to him and he’ll just, uh, pick you up and take you to heaven?”  
“I’m an angel Dean, I can go back to heaven whenever I want to. I don’t have to ask Jack for help.”  
“Uh, yeah, right, I know that.” Strike three. He looked Cas in the eyes, willing him to see in them what he was failing miserably at saying. All he saw back was hurt and disappointment. Deep breath, he’d try again.  
“Listen, Cas…about what you said in the bunker…”  
And at the worst possible moment Sam walked in the door. “Food’s here!”  
“Great Sammy, I’m starved.” Fuck.  
It was without a doubt the most awkward dinner the three of them had ever had. And then Sam had made that joke about he and Cas’s “profound bond”, which, at least put them all out of their misery because it ended the evening so abruptly.  
For two days he had been trying to get some alone time with Cas, but he wouldn’t come out of his room. He wanted to break the damn door in so they could talk, but Sam hovered like a mother hen. Concern lining his features. By the third day he was terrified that Cas was just going to leave, I mean maybe he wasn’t even in his room anymore, maybe he’d already left. Dean couldn’t take much more of this. He had to do something.  
He found Sam in the kitchen drinking coffee.  
“Hey Sammy, we need to talk.”  
“Sure Dean, what’s up.”  
“I’ve got everything under control here, why don’t you go see Eileen for a few days? I know you miss her.”  
“Thanks Dean, but I want to stick around. I’m worried about Cas; I think maybe he’s depressed or going through something.”  
Why was everything so hard? None of this was going the way he wanted. Frustrated and afraid he was running out of time, he tried to make it clearer.  
“Sam, it’s fine, Cas will be fine, I’ll take care of him. Go see Eileen.”  
“Dean, I really don’t think now is the time for me to lea…”  
“Dammit Sam, get your gear and go.” Sam was caught of guard by the intensity of Dean’s words and more than a little pissed. He loved his brother but sometimes he was sick of his shit.  
“What the hell is your problem Dean?” He snapped back, and then he stopped to look at his brother, really look. He looked…. awful. “Dean, what’s going on here, what am I missing?”  
Dean looked at the floor and then looked back at Sam and then back at the floor. He took a deep breath and Sam swore he heard Dean mumble “here goes nothing” under his breath. He took another deep breath.  
“I’m sorry Sam, I uh…, well, would you please do me a favor and take of for a few days? I uh, want to spend some time alone…with Cas…” Dean lifted his eyes to look at Sam, there was a pleading look that Sam had never seen before.  
Three, two, one, and there it was. Comprehension dawned on Sam.  
“Oh.” A few seconds pause. “Oh.” Compassion and relief flooded through Sam; everything was going to be ok. Dean’s cheeks burned red with embarrasment. Sam put him out of his misery, but maybe not without having a little fun with it first.  
“So, the mighty Dean Winchester has finally fallen. After a dozen years and the longest slow burn in history, it’s about damn time. I’ll be out of here in ten minutes.”  
Dean looked down again, his brother was enjoying this too much.  
“Thanks Sam.” Dean watched his brother as he turned to put his mug in the sink and went to walk out, pausing in the doorway.  
“Dean, do me a favour?”  
“Yeah?”  
“Don’t fuck it up.” Without waiting for a reply Sam turned and walked out.


	2. Run Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean messes up again. Cas is embarrassed about the whole thing.

Castiel had been staring at the same crack in the paint on the wall for 43 hours and 27 minutes. He was embarrassed and trapped in a situation that he had no reference point to get out of. Initially he was embarrassed because of the way he had reacted at dinner. He had arrived back with Dean and Sam-just the same as always, and they had welcomed him home- just the same as always. But Sam’s comment about his profound bond with Dean had made him uncomfortable. So, he had left.   
Dean had not mentioned what he had said to him to summon the Empty. Not when he first greeted him at the door, and not when Sam had left to get the food. Clearly Dean was not comfortable with what was said, and that made Castiel uncomfortable too, because he had upset their friendship. He did not regret telling Dean that he loved him, he was happy to finally be able to say it. But he never would have told Dean otherwise, being part of the Winchester family, being close to Dean had been enough. And it would have been enough, even now, but in the brief time he had been back, Dean could barely even look at him. And maybe that, if he was being honest with himself, was the other reason he had left the table.  
He had not planned to stay in his room for 43 hours and 27 minutes, but the longer he had stayed here the harder it seemed to leave. Dean had come to the door the first night, inviting him to watch a movie with Sam and him. Truthfully, he was weary from his time in the Empty and it had not been a lie when he said that his human form needed to rest. He did not understand exactly why, but it was true. But the last thing he wanted to do was spend the evening with Dean who was clearly uncomfortable to have him there. That would hurt too much.  
The next morning, Dean had tried again as did Sam. But he had said no and now, a day and a half later he was still here. Embarrassed now because he knew he was behaving like a child. Castiel, a seraph, celestial warrior, older than humanity itself, hiding in his room. Because his feeling were hurt, and he didn’t know to get out of the bunker without getting them hurt more.  
Perhaps he should have chosen to return to heaven instead. He thought that he could fit back into life with Sam and Dean, but he was mistaken. By doing the right thing, saving Dean, he had ruined everything else of value in his life.   
As soon as the bunker got quiet, and Sam and Dean were asleep, he would leave. It would be better this way.

Sam, true to his word, was gone in less than 10 minutes. As soon as the door closed behind him, Dean went to Cas’s room. Standing outside of the door with his hand raised, searching for the right words before knocking.  
“Cas? You still in there?” Silence.  
“Cas!?” A quick wave of panic went through Dean. Was he too late? He knocked again; a bit harder.  
“Cas, c’mon man, we need to talk. Please just open the door.”  
After what felt like an eternity, the door opened. Dean was so relieved; he didn’t notice the resignation on Cas’s face.   
“Dean, I should not have come. I am sorry. I‘m going to leave now.” Stunned, Dean didn’t react in time to stop Cas from angling his way out of the door and past him. Cas never stopped, he was heading straight for the door and Dean had a bad feeling about that being the last time he’d see Cas if he didn’t stop him now.  
“Cas, Stop! I know I messed up but you have to at least hear me out. You can’t lea…” A lump formed in Dean’s throat, stopping his words briefly. “You can’t leave without giving me a chance to explain.”  
Castiel stopped, his back to Dean. He didn’t turn around; he didn’t have any hope that this was going to end well, and he didn’t want Dean to see how hurt he was. Even an angel has some dignity. “Go ahead.”  
Of all the things Dean had expected, all the things he had imagined would happen if Cas ever came back, this was not it. The internal spiraling that had been simmering for days roared back into life, faster and deeper than ever. Cas was leaving, again. He thought, well, maybe he had misunderstood what Cas had meant when he said he had loved him. Doubt clawed at his heart. What could he say to make Cas stay without making himself more vulnerable than he already had?  
“You’re my best friend Cas. We have to work this out. We’re family.”  
And there it was, confirmation that he really had made a mistake in coming back. Dean would never be able to give him what he longed for the most, and while he had thought that would be ok. Now that it was reality, it was not. He had to finish this.  
“You know Dean, my assignment was to return you from hell and watch over you. And that is what I have done for all of these years, long after I fell. I did my best to keep you, to keep Sam, safe and alive for as long as I could, even dying for you-more than once. My work is completed. There are no more battles to fight and you no longer need my protection. Good-bye Dean.”   
Never turning, not even for a quick side glance, Castiel walked away. Down the hall, up the steps, out the door. Out of Dean’s life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dean's trying so hard but there is just so much water under the bridge with these two. Breaking old patterns isn't easy.


	3. You Can't Escape That Easily

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam Winchester is done with playing the third wheel.

Once again Sam was contemplating things over a cup of coffee. 

After Dean had made it clear why he wanted him out of the bunker, he had grabbed his gear and cleared out in record time. He smiled to himself and took another long sip. Tension in his muscles eased as he stretched his head and neck on each side and rolled his shoulders back while sitting at the diner table. He’d left so quickly; he hadn’t had time to eat and had stopped at a gas station diner combo on the highway just outside of town. Watching the world go by out the window by his booth, he was making a mental list of all of the things he was going to do with his life now that Dean had finally completed the mental gymnastics that would lead him to Cas.

He was not going to waste any more time, that world outside the window? He had helped make that happen, he had fought and bled – and died – more than once – so the world could keep circling in its boring and predictable way. He had earned a piece of that boredom, and now that he didn’t have to worry about Dean, he was going to take it. Eileen, kids, white picket fence, maybe writing up some new books on lore or some kind of gig where he could teach hunters but not actually hunt. He was done with the life and wanted out.

Another sip of coffee, getting out was not going to be that quick or easy. But with Cas back (he sent up a silent thank you prayer to Jack), he had hope that it wouldn’t be long. From the corner of his eye he saw the waitress coming with his order, her name was Sarah if he remembered correctly. They’d eaten here more than a few times over the years, and she had always been good at her job, striking the perfect balance between friendly and efficient. 

“Here’s your cobb salad Sam, same as always, dressing on the side.” Placing the plate down she paused long enough for a quick hello.

“Haven’t seen you for awhile, what have you been doing? Saving the world or something?” 

“If you only knew.” 

She laughed at that; Sam was one of her favourite customers. The other three he usually traveled with were ok too, but Sam always left the biggest tips. 

“So, should I set a place for your friend? Is joining you? I can have cook get started on his standard order – waffles, right?”

“Come again?”

“Your friend, the quirky one, he’s getting gas outside. I just assumed he’d be coming in next to join you.”

He looked out the window and she was right; Cas was fuelling his car. Like he was going somewhere. Even from here he could see that Cas looked dejected. Shoulders hunched forward, serious expression. This was bad. If Dean was at the bunker and Cas was here that meant that it hadn’t gone well. Fuck, could he not be happy for like, an hour? Twelve years, twelve long god damned years playing third wheel to these two ass hats while he had waited for them to figure out what was obvious to anyone with eyes. A quick flash of anger washed over him. He was too pissed to care and was going to do what he should have done years ago. No way in hell was he going to play this game with them anymore. 

Sam was up and out of the booth in three seconds flat. He brushed past Sarah and stopped only briefly.

“Waffles and coffee for my friend. And do me a favor? Could you move us to a quiet booth at the back, he and I need to have a private conversation.”  
____________________________________________________________________________________

Could this day get any worse? Castiel’s back was turned but there was no mistaking the purposeful steps crunching in the gravel, coming up from behind. Clearly Sam was upset, although he wasn’t sure why. Maybe Dean had called him? He closed his eyes and straightened his posture, ready to meet the coming onslaught. Once the steps stop, he turned. “Hello Sam.”

“Hello my ass, Cas. We need to talk.”

Cas looked at Sam silently, the only noise was the rhythmic pump of the gas filling his tank. He crooked his head slightly, trying to puzzle what was coming next. Sam wasn’t the angry brother, but he was today.

“Did Dean call you?”

“Inside. You are going to finish filling up the car and then you are going to park it over there, next to mine. Then, we are going inside together because right now I don’t trust you not to disappear on me. We are going to have a long, very clear, conversation. Got it?”

More silence, Sam’s anger was palpable. Cas nodded once.

“Good.”

Sam opened the passenger door and slid into the seat, slamming the door behind him. “Just in case you were thinking of taking off.”

Angry indeed.


	4. Let's Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam drops some truth bombs.

Sam made sure Castiel walked ahead of him into the diner. No way was Cas getting any chance to disappear before they had talked. Sarah, earning a large tip for her efforts in meeting Sam’s request had moved their table to a closed section of the dining room where no one else was around. If she felt the tension between the two men, she didn’t let on although it was painfully obvious that neither of them looked very happy.

“Ok, guys follow me. I’ve set you up at a quiet booth at the back. Lunch rush is over, and we probably won’t be using this section again for a few hours. I’ve put a fresh pot of coffee into a carafe and left it on the table with cream and sugar. I moved your salad already Sam, and the waffles just came off the iron, so they are still steaming hot. I will not be back to bother you, but if you need me just holler ok?” 

Without time for a response, she walked off and left them to fold their frames into the booth. The backs of the seats were high, and nobody was around to see or hear them while they talked, which Sam thought was perfect for what was about to happen.

Without saying a word, Sam took the carafe, poured Cas a coffee and then topped up his own. Almost deliberately slow he added a bit of cream and stirred thoughtfully. Castiel did the same thing, not even bothering to try to make small talk, he kept his eyes averted from Sam as well. Everything about his body language indicated both defeat, and an expectation that he was going to be on the receiving end of whatever was coming next. A little bit of Sam’s ire dispersed, this was going to be a conversation that impacted all three of their futures and Sam didn’t want to make whatever this was, worse. 

Letting the silence linger a bit longer, he took a few bites of his salad. Cas never had a problem with awkward silences, hell there was a picture of him in the dictionary next to the definition. He chewed thoughtfully while considering exactly what the best plan of attack had to be here. Too hard and he was pretty sure Cas was going to walk, to soft and the trajectory they were on would remain unchanged. Neither outcome was acceptable. Sam knew that the only weakness Cas had was Dean, which, coincidentally was often his greatest strength. Cas was always the best version of himself when he was protecting Dean, Sam had seen this time and again. When all hope was lost, he’d show up to Dean, even sacrificing himself. Maybe this was the way through. He put down his fork and cleared his throat. Might as well rip the band-aid off.

“Never had you pegged for a quitter Cas.”

Whatever Cas had been expecting to hear, it wasn’t that. For the first time since running into Sam he looked him in the eye, shock and anger flashing across his face in micro expressions that were so fast, Sam would have missed it if he wasn’t looking for them. Bingo.

“I mean really, after everything, all these years. Apocalypse and end times, defeating Chuck, travelling to different worlds together. Fighting by our sides, BOTH of our sides, pretty much raising Jack as family together, all of that and NOW you are going to bail? Without a goodbye? That hurts man. I thought we were family, honorary Winchester and all that.” This first ball had been thrown, now to see if Cas would throw it back. Cas just stared at him with those blue eyes of his, damn, no wonder he and Dean would have those long staring contest which pretty much looked like eye sex to anyone watching. Sam was straight and still he found them captivating. Dean never stood a chance with Cas looking at him like that.

“I will tell you what I told Dean. My assignment was always to watch over Dean and yourself. I did that. We won. Neither of you need me anymore. I think it’s best if I returned to heaven after all.”

Another stare down. So freaking blue.

“That’s not true Cas. Dean still needs you. He will always need you.”

Another little micro expression passes, but this one too fast to read.

“I am fairly certain Sam that whatever you think Dean requires, he will be able to find it quite happily without me to get in the way.”

“And I am fairly certain that what Dean requires is something he will only find with you.”

Sam wasn’t going to break eye contact now, he pinned Cas to the seat with a look that dared him to argue with him. Another long silence passed between them until Cas finally broke.

“What did he tell you?”

“Tell me? He didn’t tell me a thing.” Now Castiel was looking confused, maybe he misunderstood what Sam was saying. “But that doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

“Sam, I don’t understand wha..”

“I think you do.” Cas cocked his head to the side warily, he was uncomfortable and didn’t have a clue how to get out of this. What on earth was Sam trying to prove?

“How long have you been in love with Dean?”

And there it was, no pretence, all the cards on the table. Cas looked down at his now cold waffle, trying to figure out what to say next. He swallowed, his throat had a lump in it and tears pricked his eyes. Could it get worse? I guess it could because here we are. He struggled to find the words, any words really. What do you say when all your secrets are laid bare before the world?

“It doesn’t matter Sam; he doesn’t want me.” Saying it out loud hurt. A lot. The tears that had up until then only threatened to fall, streamed down in his cheek. Cas wiped them away quickly with his hand. He needed out of here. He put his hand on the table to help leverage his way up and out of the booth but before he moved Sam reached across the table and grabbed his wrist.

“Not yet Cas, we are not done talking.”

“Sam, I think we are. Just let me go ok? I need to get out of here. You don’t understand.”

“I understand more than you think. Sit. Hear me out and if you still want to leave, you can go.” It wasn’t like he really had a choice; Sam’s grip held his wrist like it was iron. He resolved to suffer through whatever Sam had to say and then leave as quickly as possible.

“Fine. But as soon as you are done, I’m leaving.”

Sam released his wrist and took another long sip of his coffee, carefully considering his next steps. His choices were to go dark, and then to go darker. Maybe both needed to come up.

“How many times has Dean had to watch you die Cas?”

“Too many.”

“Did you know, every time, it got worse? Dean’s reaction? He never took it well, not once, but it got harder for him every single time. You never had to see that part did you Cas? But I did.” The frustration and anger started to bubble up again. “When Lucifer came out of the rift and stabbed you, Dean sat by your body for hours Cas. Hours until your body was cold. Then he brought you inside and insisted on prepping you for your funeral pyre, alone without help. Nobody was going to touch you. Only Dean.”

Castiel just watched Sam as he continued.

“And did you know each time Dean has to say goodbye to you, he disappears inside a whiskey bottle and volunteers for every suicide mission he can find, just to make the pain stop? Can you imagine what it feels like for me to have to watch Dean self destruct, over and over again, when there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop it?” His voice quivered a little bit on the next one even though he was barely speaking over a whisper. “Did you know that after Lucifer killed you we had a case at a haunted asylum, and Dean literally killed himself to talk to the ghosts instead of solving it like we normally do. I couldn’t stop him, and Cas, when I tried to bring him back…it didn’t work. He told me later that Death sent him back, which means he wanted to stay.”

This time they both looked at each other with watery eyes.

“Dean literally does not want to live without you Cas, I am so scared that I’m going to lose him if you leave again.”

“I, I don’t know what to say Sam. I didn’t know. I feel badly that you have had to bear that burden”

“After the Empty took you, there wasn’t anytime to grieve because we had to deal with Chuck. Dean never talked about what happened in the dungeon, but I’d be up studying and would hear him having nightmares Cas. Always the same, calling for you, asking you to come back. Those dreams were every night, Cas. Every evening he would drink until he nearly forgot his own name, and then spend all night calling out for you. In fact, they only stopped when you showed up at the door two days ago.”

Castiel’s heart hurt, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. 

“Cas, I’m not saying that you need to go back there and stay with Dean because he isn’t well. I mean, he’s not well, but how are any of us after all we’ve been through? I know I’m not ok, and I’m sure that you aren’t either. But I want to be ok, I uh, I want to be ok for Eileen.” He swallowed again, time to throw a few more cards on the table.

“I don’t know what I was expecting after everything, but honest to god Cas, I am so damn tired, and I want out. I want to stop hunting, I want to marry Eileen, I want to have the life we fought for everyone to have. I’m tired of killing, and I’m tired of being afraid. I just want out. I’m terrified that Dean or I are going to get killed on a stupid random hunt now that Chuck isn’t pulling the puppet strings. And I can’t leave Dean like this, but I also can’t watch him self destruct into an early grave either. I need your help Cas. I need you to stay…..please?”

Cas sat silently for another long minute, he actually hadn’t had a single bite of his waffle, not that he was hungry anyway, but he looked at the sad way the whipped cream had melted into a puddle on the side of the plate. The meal was looking like he felt – flat and inadequate. 

“Sam, you don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“Dean doesn’t love me Sam, it doesn’t go both ways. You are mistaken.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“No. I told him before the Empty took me, but there was no time for us to talk about it. I knew that it wasn’t really fair, to do that to him. But telling him was what summoned the Empty, it was the only way I could think to save him. I never would have told him otherwise. I don’t regret telling him, I never expected to come back. I regret now that it seems to irrevocably harmed our friendship”

A few more of the missing pieces fell into place for Sam as they both mulled over everything they had just learned. This was what Dean had been hiding since that day in the dungeon, why everything had been darker and heavier, why he had seemed so lost and adrift.

“Cas, if he didn’t have a chance to say anything when you told him how you felt, how can you know that he doesn’t feel the same way back? Because everything I have ever seen between you tells me the exact opposite.”

“When I got back to the bunker, I expected Dean to say something about it- good or bad- I was ready to hear it and move on, but he pretended like it didn’t happen. He didn’t even acknowledge what I had said, what I literally gave my life to say to him. I felt embarrassed and that’s why I hid in my room for so long, I felt like I had misread and then ruined my friendship with Dean and didn’t know how to make it right. I’m sorry Sam.”

From the booth Sam surveyed the rest of the diner. True to her word Sarah was right in saying they would be left undisturbed. She was busy working at the other end of the dining room, although she did catch his eye briefly with a questioning look to see if he needed something. He half smiled back and shook his head. There was still space to talk, they had covered the dark stuff and maybe it was time to dig a little deeper into the vault to help Cas understand.

“Cas there is more.”

Cas wasn’t sure he could handle any more, his heart was already heavy, and he really just wanted to be alone to think about what Sam had just told him. “Can we pick this up another time Sam? I would like some time to think about this, I really don’t think you are correct, but I appreciate your trying.” 

Sam’s hand snaked out across the table again, stopping Cas before he could even try to move away.

“If you walk out that door, you and I both know there’s a good chance that you won’t be back. Let me finish ok? You’re my family too you know? We lived and fought side by side like brothers. Don’t give up on being part of this so easily, I need you around just as much as Dean does – just not in the same way. Let me tell you the rest.”

Vulnerability flashed across Cas’s face that time. Sam knew that comment had landed exactly where he had hoped. Cas belonged with them more than he belonged anywhere else in heaven or earth, he didn’t have another home, another family to go to. Cas craved being a Winchester by proxy as much as he and Dean had always claimed him as one. They really were family and family doesn’t quit on each other. Cas nodded his head in assent.

“OK Sam, tell me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've often wondered why Sam let things go for as long as he did. He deserves a medal.


	5. John Winchester Was A Horrible Parent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam provides Cas with a little more insight into Dean's internalized homophobia.

“OK Sam, tell me.”

It was Castiel’s turn to observe Sam. A sick sense of dread had settled in his gut, everything to this point had been hard enough. What more could there be? His heart had already been broken before he had even sat down with Sam to talk, now, he wasn’t sure what to do. Being so wrapped up in his own feelings, he hadn’t stopped once to consider what Dean had had to go through, nor had he considered Sam on the periphery. Everyone had been hurt and was carrying baggage, like porcupines they just kept sticking each other. It was a sobering thought to realize just how un angel like he had become, he’d let himself be blinded by emotion.

Exhaustion was clearly written on Sam’s face; he knew full well that Sam would never leave Dean’s side if he thought Dean needed him. Nobody was more loyal, but at what cost? He might be 37, but the lines around his eyes and mouth, along with a bit of grey at his temples made him look a decade older. Sam had just told him that he wanted out, wanted his own life. Castiel knew that Sam would never leave Dean until he knew Dean was ok, or Dean was dead. There was no in between. The damage that Chuck had done was still impacting all of them. Would they ever be free?

“Sam? I’m listening.”

Sam closed his eyes and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.

“Cas, I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never told anyone. Not even Dean. And I need you to promise me that you won’t ever let on that you know ok?”

Cas looked directly in Sam’s eyes trying to figure out what Sam was not saying. There was something painful and traumatic in his expression, but the set of his jaw was also determined. He was going to get it out even though he clearly didn’t want to talk about it.

“I can see that this is difficult for you Sam, you can trust me.”

“It’s about our dad.”

Ah, of course. The parenting fails of John Winchester. Not for the first time Castiel wished he had been present with Sam and Dean when they were younger. If ever there had been a time that they needed protection it was then. Growing up with a father fueled by alcohol and rage laid their foundation for a lifetime of trauma, Cas knew that much of Dean’s inability to be emotionally vulnerable laid squarely on the shoulders of his abusive father. A ghost that couldn’t be put to rest because this wasn’t a body to be salted and burned.

Cas didn’t respond, he just gave Sam the space to continue at his own pace. He could tell that this was hard for him by the way he clutched his empty coffee mug.

“We ah, moved around a lot with my dad. You know that, right?”

Cas nodded.

“So, we really didn’t have any chance to make friends or do any of the normal stuff that kids did. I mean Dean took care of me, made sure I got enrolled in the local school whenever we knew we were going to be in a place for more than a few weeks. But it never lasted, and we had each other but it was still lonely, you know what I mean?”

He actually didn’t know what he meant so he just sat still and listened.

“When I was 12, there was this nest of vampires that my dad was after just outside of Cheyenne, Wyoming. Three times we had to go back, the leader kept getting away and repopulating the nest within a few months. Dad was real pissed about it.”

Sam paused for a moment and refilled his coffee again, he was going to have the jitters from all the caffeine, but he needed something to occupy his hands while he got through the next parts.

“So, the third time, we got there and Dad told us that we might as well get settled and go to the local school and stuff because we weren’t leaving until the nest was dead. Dean got me enrolled and dad would come and go for days even weeks at a time, tracking them, waiting for them to take him to the leader.”

“I liked it there, I did. It was a friendly school, and I was enjoying that feeling of being normal. Dean was 16 at that point, pretty much done with the whole school scene, so he just hung out at the motel, made sure there was food to eat and did whatever to take care of things you know? Dad had said that Dean wasn’t ready to face a vamp and didn’t bother bringing him along, his job was me. It was a really great time Cas, we hung out, we laughed, and it just felt good to have some stability.”

“With dad gone so much, we just did our own thing. When I was doing homework, Dean would go and hang out with Phil who ran the motel office in return for room at the motel. Phil was a bit older than Dean, maybe early twenties? Hard to tell, it was a long time ago. But it was nice to see Dean have a friend too. Dean never got to have friends, between taking care of me and helping dad on occasion, there was never anything left for him. It wasn’t fair, so when dad was gone and Dean had a chance to have fun, it was nice.”

“Like I said, I was only 12 right, so there’s a lot I didn’t know. But I realized that Dean and Phil weren’t just friends. I mean every night Dean would have a shower and change before he went over to hang out. Phil’s room was next to ours and the walls were thin, so I could hear them watching movies and laughing while I did homework in our room. By the time Dean would come back, I’d be in bed asleep. But this one night I wasn’t, and I heard Dean come in, except he wasn’t alone at the door. Phil was with him and I saw them kissing in the doorway, like really kissing, Cas. Dean broke it off and told him that he didn’t want to wake me up and had to go. And then he kissed him once more and he left. I never let on that I saw it and pretended to be asleep, but 100% Dean and Phil were making out.”

Cas knew that another shoe had to drop for this to be the traumatic story Sam alluded to, and he was pretty sure that the shoe was going to be John.

“So how did your father find out?” John Winchester didn’t deserve the title of dad, and Cas was never going to use it.

“Yeah, that was my fault, and I will feel guilty for the rest of my life.” He swallowed and looked down at the table for a moment, ordering his words for the next part.

“Dad came home a few days early, he said he’d be gone a week, but he wasn’t. It was late, or maybe it was early. Dad had been drinking – surprise and Dean was at Phil’s, regardless I was alone in the motel room when he got there. I was asleep and not really thinking, Dad shook me awake and asked me where Dean was, and I just told him that he was next door at Phil’s. I mean if I had been awake and had time to think I would have made something up, but Dad was scary when he was drinking, and I just didn’t think. I still feel terrible about it.”

“You were a boy Sam, John was supposed to be your protector, not another monster in your life. What happened”  
“Remember how I said Phil’s place shared the wall? I heard all of it Cas and it was awful. He broke in the door and started screaming: ‘Get your fucking faggot hand’s off my son!’ I could hear furniture being thrown, and then I heard Dean yell back ‘Dad no it’s not like that, let me explain.’ And uh, that’s when I heard him turn on Dean. He hit him, and I mean he hit him hard enough that I heard it through a wall. And not just once.” 

Sam paused for another moment and Cas could see that he was struggling to compose himself. He brushed some wetness out of the corner of each eye and continued.

“He…he hit Dean over and over, and I heard him tell Dean that he would rather see him dead than be humiliated this way, and uh, then I heard him say ‘I’ll kill you myself.’ And Cas, I think he meant it.”

Another wobbly swallow of coffee before he could continue.

“It went on for a long time and I was just paralyzed in my bed, I was so scared of my dad and so scared that he was going to kill him, and then I heard, uh, I ah heard Dean beg him to stop, he, ah, Cas, I heard him beg dad to not kill him. Then it got really quiet until dad came back to our room, dragging Dean. I pretended to be asleep, but I heard him throw him on the bed and told him clear as anything: ‘Next time I’ll finish the job.’ And then he walked out the door and drove off in the car.”

“As soon as he was gone, Dean started to cry. I never heard him cry, ever, and I didn’t know what to do so I just stayed in my bed. At some point, I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew it was morning and Dean was telling me to wake up. He told me that it was time to pack up and move on, dad had gone out to get some breakfast for us to eat on the road. His face was unrecognizable it was so swollen, and his arm was in a sling, all he said was that dad had come and got him to help take down a straggler overnight but he’d been jumped. I knew he was lying but I went along with it. When dad came to get us, he gave me the room key and told me to run it back to the office. When I got there Phil was behind the counter, but he didn’t look much better than Dean. He didn’t say anything, he just took the key and I left.”

They sat in silence. Sam needed a few minutes to compose himself, it had cost a lot for him to open up this particular wound. Castiel on the other hand was processing grief for the two boys who had suffered so much at the hands of the one person who was supposed to love them the most. 

“I am so sorry that happened Sam, to both of you.”

“Thanks Cas, the point is I wanted to share this with you so you could understand maybe why Dean sends mixed signals.”

Cas cocked his head to the side, trying to follow where Sam was leading.

“I’m telling you Cas, Dean loves you. He might not be able to say it, but he does. Everyone can see it; I think YOU can see it. But he’s so fucked up on the inside, dad was going to kill him, how do you get past that easily? You can’t.”

“I don’t know Sam.”

“Cas, I’m not asking you to just accept everything the way it is, like I already said, Dean needs help. He drinks too much, he makes dangerous decisions, he’s angry. But he’s hurting and he’s lost, and I know that he wants to be with you because the only reason I am even here right now is because Dean asked me to leave the bunker so he could be alone…with you.”

Cas’s blue eyes opened in shock. “Can you say that again?”

“Dean asked me to leave the bunker so he could be alone with you. His exact words.”

“Oh, maybe you should have led with that Sam, it would have been quicker. But I am glad you told me everything else.”

“Does that mean you are going back to the bunker?”

Cas studied his sad soggy meal for another few moments. “How long are you planning to be away for Sam?”

“How long do you need me to stay away?”

“What do you think Dean is doing right now?”

“Drinking.”

Cas paused for a moment to consider his next steps.

“Two weeks. Give me two weeks to sober him up and see if I can help him move through this.”

The knots in Sam’s stomach released once more, Cas was going back to the bunker. What a fucking relief. “Thank you Cas, you won’t be sorry.”

“That remains to be seen, but I do love him Sam. I will try one more time.”

“That’s all I ask.”

Sam put up his hand to signal for Sarah, the waitress to come over.

“Hey guys all done? Can I get you anything else or just the bill?”

Cas looked at her thoughtfully. “Do you have any cherry pie?”

“Sure do, fresh from the oven. Do you want a slice?”

“No. I’ll take the whole pie, to go. And put it on his bill.” He nodded in Sam’s direction.

Sam laughed at that. “Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was never a fan of John, Sam and Dean had a much less than stellar family of origin. It was always hard for me to see the boys pine for him. Episode 300 when Dean's wish was to have his dad with them? Really?


	6. Back At The Bunker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas heads back to the bunker with a new plan in mind.

Cas took the long way back to the bunker even though daylight was dwindling, he needed to think. The cherry pie sat on the beige passenger seat next to him in its cheery white box. Hopefully, Dean would accept it as the peace offering that it was.

The conversation with Sam had been emotionally draining, and both of the men were relieved when it was over. Important, yes, but also brutally raw. Cas wasn’t sure yet how he felt about Sam’s story of John beating Dean so severely, but he wasn’t surprised. At least it helped him understand some of the barriers Dean had erected around himself. It also explained Dean’s deep need to be in control, and the trust issues kept his anxiety in check without resolution. No one can hurt you if you don’t let anyone in. After years of abuse Dean always found a way to be in charge and never let someone have that power over him again.

He mindlessly tapped his fingers to the beat of the music coming through on the radio, the background noise was soothing and helped him focus- something he had learned after years of traveling in the impala. He needed a solid strategy, he wanted it to work out with himself and Dean. Even if it didn’t, Sam needed things to be better. Cas felt genuinely guilty about that, he owed it to Sam to at least help Dean break the unhealthy patterns that were weighing him down.

The first and biggest change Cas thought he’d make, to get some traction, was to flip the power dynamic. They had all forgotten who he was, who he had been and quite honestly Cas had been happy to leave it that way. Millions of years old, and an accomplished leader and warrior in his own right, Cas had been content in the embarrassment of his fall to put that part of his identity away. Dean needed to be the leader and was also a brilliant tactician; it was also his earth to protect. It had been easy and safe to step aside and let someone else make the calls. But now that that earth was safe and Dean wasn’t, it was time to reassert a little bit of himself. Just enough for Dean to know that he was safe and didn’t have to fight anymore.

The back road finally snaked around to the bunker’s garage entry, and Cas was relieved to see that the impala was still there. At least he’s not drinking and driving. He grabbed the pie and locked everything up before heading into the bunker itself. Same slightly stale air and whirring of old mechanical systems in the background. He didn’t see or hear Dean right away, and that was kind of a good thing. There were a few things he wanted to do first, to set the stage as it were.

He walked into the kitchen and left the pie on the counter for later. No Dean, but there were empties. Sam hadn’t been kidding about the drinking. Next, he headed for Dean’s bedroom, still hoping they wouldn’t cross paths, and they didn’t. The room was empty save for a few beer bottles on the bedside table. Cas got to work and grabbed the few items he was looking for, and then promptly headed to his own room.

“Ok, step one.” Cas shut his bedroom door and looked in the mirror. Trench coat, white shirt, blue tie. Dean had joked that it was his heavenly tax accountant uniform, and he was pretty much right. He had always felt comfortable in it though, even proud. He was going to miss this part of his earthly identity, but it was time for something new. He took off the trench coat and hung it up in his closet. Then the shoes, shirt and tie, and pants followed. The socks stayed, they had bees on them. Claire had given them to him, he liked bees and he liked Claire, the socks were precious.

Naked except for his boxers and bee socks, Cas turned to the pile he had taken from Dean’s room. If Sam was right, and Dean loved him but didn’t know how to say it, Cas was going to make it easy, so easy for him. He quickly dressed himself in Dean’s own clothes. Worn denim jeans, dark grey t-shirt, blue flannel, and an old pair of his boots. Without a single word Cas was going to show that he belonged to Dean already. All Dean had to do was accept what he was offering.

Still no sound nearby, Cas quickly followed up by grabbing the very few belongings he had and carried them back to Dean’s room. He was moving in. Again, he was making it dead easy for Dean. Cas wanted him to know without having to ask, that he was there for the long haul. No more running, no more games. Literally everything he owned fit in one side table drawer, angels travel light.

Finally, that job complete, it was time to seriously look for Dean. He started purposefully walking the circuit. He felt a little self-conscious in Dean’s clothes, but not enough to change his mind. He was in it to win, Dean needed him to follow through even if he didn’t know that yet.

All of the obvious places were empty, and now Cas was a little concerned. His last stop was the Dean cave, which was honestly where he had expected to find him all along. Not only was it dark and empty, but it was also dusty as though it had been empty for months. I guess that made sense, if you’re busy saving the world from utter destruction and decimation there is no time to watch old movies. Closing the door and heading back out into the hall Castiel decided it was time to search a little more earnestly.

“Dean?! Where are you?” Nothing.

Time to flip that dynamic, he lowered his voice and tried again, tapping into his grace ever so slightly so his voice would project.

“Dean, you will not ignore me. Tell me where you are.”

Three long seconds of silence, and then Cas heard a crash and the sound of breaking glass coming from the direction of 7B. The dungeon, of course. The place where he had both told Dean he loved him, and then left him alone to deal with it. It made sense that he would go back there if he thought Cas had left him again.

He quickened his pace, and his long strides ate up the distance easily. Pushing the door open, there were three things he noticed immediately. First, Dean’s gun was sitting on the shelf by the entry. This was strange, Dean never left his gun laying out in the open like that. Second, there was an empty whiskey bottle on the floor and broken glass along one wall where clearly a tumbler and been thrown against it. Third, Dean was sitting on the floor along the opposite wall, clearly very drunk and oblivious to the angel standing in the doorway. 

“I am such a fucking useless piece of shit. I fucked it up, I fuck up everything.” His hands covered his face, but you could hear low sobs and see his shoulders shaking.

Cas crossed the floor in record time, knelt, and grabbed Dean by his shoulders.

“No. Stop. I will not tolerate it Dean, do not speak of yourself this way.”

“Cas?” Red rimmed watery green eyes looked up in disbelief.

“Hello Dean.”

Dean lost it. “Cas I’m so sorry, I fucked up, I know I fucked up. Please forgive me, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Don’t leave me again, please. I can’t, I just can’t do this without you anymore. I need you; I love you too, I just don’t know how to tell you. I’m so scared, please don’t leave me again Cas, please.”

Still sobbing, Dean launched himself into Cas’s arms, and if he hadn’t been an angel the force of it probably would have thrown him off balance. As it were though, he just held him, Dean’s face tucked into the crook of his neck and shoulder, Cas’s arms encircling him in comfort, hands resting on his back. He kept Dean pulled in close and let him cry it out. Judging by the alcohol on his breath and the empty whiskey bottle on the floor, he figured that Dean would have no memory of this in the morning. But it was a start, and he’d take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very glad to see Cas start to assert himself a little more.


	7. Family Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone sits down for a long-overdue conversation, Cas pretty much flips Dean's world in an instant.

Everything hurt, Dean felt like absolute shit. He opened his eyes briefly and then shut them again, it felt like the lights from a god damned surgical suite was shining on his face. Way too bright. He squeezed his eyes shut and then blinked a few times trying to adjust. Another morning just like every other morning, he could tell from the way his tongue felt furry and swollen along with the incessant pounding in his head that he must have had one hell of a night last night.

He tried to open his eyes again. A little better. He turned, swung his legs over the bed, pulling himself into a sitting position. A little too fast because a wave of nausea coiled like a snake in his gut, ready to strike. Deep breaths, just breath through it. He took a half dozen slow deep breaths until it passed. Ok, he was ok now. Opened his eyes one more time, finally adjusted to the room. It wasn’t a surgical suite after all, just the lamp on his bed side table. 

He looked down and realized that he was in and old t shirt and pajama pants. Funny, he didn’t remember changing last night. To be fair he didn’t remember anything, but he always woke up in yesterday’s clothes when he drank, part of the Dean Winchester drink until the pain goes away party package. Whatever. He’s entitled to change his own damn routine.

The bed side table with the way too bright lamp caught is eye, there was a glass of water and two Motrin on the table. That explains it, Sam must be home, must have put him to bed. Fuck, wasn’t he supposed to be at Eileen’s? How long had he been drunk for? Sam was supposed to be gone for a couple to days so he could work things out with Cas – Fuck – again – Fucking Cas just walked out the door and left him. Finally got tired of his shit. Who could blame him really? He was tired of his own shit.

He tossed the Motrin and water back; it would do until he could get another drink. Might as well go face the music with Sam first. Sam was probably also tired of his shit. He wondered if there was a record for the number of people a person could drive away in a week. He’s got Eileen now, so he knows it’s only a matter of time before he walks too, Dean could almost smell Sam’s desperation to get out whenever he was around him lately.

Dean wrapped himself in the dead guy robe and a pair of old man slippers- the bunker floors were cold. Bathroom first, then coffee, then Sam. Cas was a lost cause, so he’ll just drink that away later. His head was still pounding, and the hallway lights were just as bad. He shuffled off to the bathroom to relieve himself like probably looking like he was 20 years older than he actually was. Just as well because he wasn’t going to live that long anyway. 

After urinating he had a quick shower, putting last nights pajamas back on and brushing his teeth. It will go better with Sam if he at least looks like he’s taking care of himself. Doesn’t have to be true, it’s just the appearances that will put Sam at ease. So he feels like it’s safe for him to leave. Dean doesn’t want him to leave, but he at least knows it’s a kindness he can give Sam to let him think it’s ok for him to go.

Heading around to the kitchen, Dean smells the fresh coffee before he even turns the corner. At least that is something that is going right. 

“Morning Sammy, coffee smells great…”and he freezes in his tracks because it’s not Sam in the kitchen. He stands there slack jawed for a good five seconds, not having a clue what to say next.

“Hello Dean. How are you feeling this morning?” Cas smiled at him with a look he had never seen before. His expression was open and the smile itself reached his eyes, crinkling his laugh lines.

Dean couldn’t answer right away, what was Cas doing here?

“Breakfast is almost ready.” He nodded towards the table where two places were set, one of which had a steaming mug of coffee waiting. “I fixed your coffee the way you like it, have a seat and I’ll bring the plates over.”

Silently Dean padded across the floor towards the table, puzzling the whole time about what was actually going on. Had he finally lost it? Was he trapped in his own mind, living in some sort of alternate reality? He sat quietly watching Cas as he placed a second mug of coffee at the other place setting and then went back to grab the food. He returned just as quickly with two plates of scrambled eggs, toast and a sliced orange. Finally, Cas sat in the chair opposite him at the table and took a sip of his own coffee. 

Dean still hadn’t said anything, and Cas didn’t seem to notice or care. “Eggs are better when they are hot Dean, and you probably haven’t eaten in a while. You’ll feel better. Eat up”

Cas sat on his side of the table, his own fork half lifted to his mouth, watching Dean. “Seriously, you need the nutrition. Eat.” He raised one eyebrow and cocked his head slightly. “I’m waiting”; his expression clearly said that this was a command and not a request.

Lost at sea might be the best way to describe what he was feeling. There was something about the tone of voice Cas used – Dean knew he was serious. Whatever, this was weird as shit, he might as well play along. He took a forkful and ate it, expecting a hard rubbery mess because everybody knew that Cas can’t cook worth a damn.

“Holy shit, these eggs are delicious.” If Dean was suspicious before, alarm bells were starting to sound at the back of his head. He was ravenous though, nausea forgotten, he shoveled them in as though he hadn’t eaten in days - but maybe he hadn’t.

“Thanks, I found the recipe on YouTube.” That smile again. “How’s the coffee?”

The coffee was damn near perfect too.

“Uh Cas?” Where he was speechless before, he now had a dozen questions.

“Yes Dean?” 

“Why are you eating? You don’t eat.” Amused blue eyes met his guarded green ones.

“Well, two reasons. First my grace isn’t what it was since being in the Empty and I find that I am enjoying food again, but mainly, I thought you would be more comfortable if we shared meals together, like other couples do.”

“Other….couples?”

“That’s right. Partners”

Dean looked at Cas long and hard, who seemed to be both enjoying this strange conversation and ignoring whatever waves of discomfort that were being thrown his way. Then his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open.

“Are you wearing my clothes Cas?” Despite the oddness of both the situation and the question Dean had to admit to himself that Cas looked damn good in his clothes. A wave of uncomfortable desire swirled in his belly. 

“Yeah, I hope you don’t mind. Is that ok? I can always go buy my own if that’s a problem”

Forget the breakfast, forget the coffee, and forget expression on Cas’s face that looks like he’s keeping some great wonderful secret. Cas was sitting across the table, wearing his clothes, and calling them a couple. What the actual fuck was going on?

“What am I missing here Cas? Is it April Fools Day? Are you and Sam playing a joke on me?”

A tinge of sadness quickly passed across Cas’ face. “I didn’t really expect you to remember, but I hoped that you would.”

Pure panic coursed through his veins, followed by a sense of dread. Oh god, what did he do last night? What did they do? Not that he didn’t want to, he did, he so did, but not like this, not when he was too drunk to even remember it. “Cas, did we, uh did anything, I mean I had a lot to drink after you left, did uh anything happen that maybe I might want to know about?”

“What do you remember Dean?” Blue eyes kept him stuck in place and unable to move.

“Honestly? Nothing.” 

“Do you really think I would take advantage of you like that?”

Embarrassment colored Deans cheeks at the question. “No Cas, I uh, was more worried that maybe I took advantage of you.”

That caught Cas off guard. “You have nothing to worry about Dean.”

Well, there was at least one relief. “Ok, good.”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“You told me to kiss my ass and walked out the door.”

“Close enough. After that?”

Dean sighed, he might as well be honest. “I fell into a bottle of Jack Daniels.”

“Just one?”

“No clue, why don’t you tell me?”

Whatever happy bubble they’d been in at the table seemed deflated now. Cas’s smile had been replaced with concern, not unlike Sam’s resting bitch face, and something else. Something he hadn’t seen in Cas for a long time. Not since before he fell, back when he had all of that badass don’t give me your shit energy. Dean remembered thinking that was kind of hot at the time.

“What do you want me to say? I don’t remember.”

“I talked to Sam yesterday Dean, after I left.”

“Good for you.” Fun times were over, it had to be noon somewhere. Time for a drink. He got up and walked over to the fridge to grab a beer.

“You won’t find any.”

“Any what?”

“Beer. We are not done talking about this. Please sit down.”

“Whatever, keep the clothes, You wanna play house that’s fine too. I need a drink.”

Castiel was up and crossed the kitchen before Dean had time to react. He grabbed Dean by the shoulders and looked him square in the face while Dean glowered back. He spoke to Dean quietly, calmly even, but there was no mistaking the steel behind his words or his expression.

“We are not finished talking. You can sit back down at the table with me or we can do it right here. But this conversation is getting finished. Do you understand?”

Dean wasn’t used to this Cas, usually a little barb like the one he just thew sent Cas off his respective corner to regroup. He had no clue how to respond, he could feel tears well up in his eyes. Fuck, he felt off keel, like he had no control anymore. Cas and Sam were talking about him behind his back, this couldn’t be good.

“What do you want from me?”

Cas folded Dean into a hug that he didn’t ask for, belt felt too raw to reject. He tucked his head into the nape of Cas’s neck, he smelled like his laundry soap and fresh cedar. He liked it, but the hug was way too short, and Cas was holding him at arms length again.

“Come and sit down with me Dean ok? Just talk to me. I want to help”

And just like that Dean let Cas lead him back over to the table and sat down. Cas sat opposite of him again, but this time he put his phone on the table between them and held both of his hands across the tabletop.

“Ok, first thing is first Dean. Do you promise to bear with me? We are going to talk, and then we are going to call Sam and all talk together. Can you do this with me?”

“I’d really like a drink if we are going to do this Cas.”

“You can have water, or you can have the rest of your coffee. I need you to stay with me here.”

Again with the long gaze, as though Cas was trying to will something into being.

“Coffee’s fine I guess.”

“Good, thank-you.”

Cas held his hands still, showing no signs of letting go. Dean didn’t mind really. It gave him something to anchor to.

“Dean, if you forget everything else we discuss in the next few minutes remember this: I love you. I have loved you from the very moment I pulled your soul out of hell and nothing that has happened between us ever has or ever will change that. I have lived for millennia and if I live for millennia more I will never stop loving you. Do you understand this?”

What was he supposed to say to that? His throat clogged up and he could feel his mouth tremble with emotion. He just bit his lower lip and nodded.

“I hear you.”

“Good, because it’s true.” Cas’s own eye were shining back, clearly emotional. “I know that you love me too. I know you do. And maybe you can’t say it right now, but I know that someday you will be able to. Whatever hurts or fears you are hiding; I know that you can work through that to get to a place when you can say it. And until then, I’m just going to be here. You can’t drive me away and I’m not leaving. I need you as much as you need me. If it takes the rest of time, I will wait. Do you understand that?” 

Dean looked down at the table, he really didn’t deserve this kind of goodness. How does Cas manage to pierce the darkness that never stops trying to pull him down and give him the courage to keep going?

“OK Cas.”

“Dean please look at me.” Dean lifts his gaze. “You deserve to be loved; you deserve to be happy.”

Dean doesn’t answer, it’s not true. 

Cas sighed, “It is true but maybe it will take time before you let yourself believe it.”

Silence. Cas regarded him quietly. He rubbed his thumbs over the top of Deans hands in a gesture that was reassuring. He turned the left to weave his fingers with Dean’s, the right he removed briefly to hit the facetime button on the phone, and then went back to thread those fingers through Dean’s as well. The gesture is meant to be intimate and loving, but Dean knows that the grip is still firm enough to hold him in place. He couldn’t leave if he wanted to, at least not without making a scene. And he was a little afraid, thinking he probably will want to. Especially when Sam joins them through facetime.

Again, Cas takes point.

“Hi Sam, thanks for waiting by the phone. This is a good time to talk?”

“Of course, hey Dean, how are you?”

“Hiya Sammy, good.”

“Mmm.” Sam looked like he didn’t believe it.

“Dean, Sam, this is going to be uncomfortable, but we have to clear the air about this. We all need to move forward. OK?”

The other two were silent and waited for Cas to continue.

“In the interest of being transparent and honest from here on out Sam, you should know that I just told Dean that I love him and that come hell or highwater I won’t be leaving again.”

“Wasn’t expecting to start there but, uh, congratulations?” Sam half chuckled wondering what the hell had happened since they parted ways yesterday.

“Second to that, I’m telling both of you now, that I’m all in and I expect both of you to treat me that way.” He paused to look directly across the table to catch Dean’s gaze before he continued. ” Dean may not remember, but last night he told me that he loved me. It’ll probably be a while before he can tell me sober. That’s fine, I can wait, but from now on I’m Dean’s significant other, next of kin, partner, whatever you want to call it. But it’s me. Is that going to be a problem?” Cas wanted to add that Sam now had some margin to start building the life he wanted with Eileen, but he didn’t, knowing Dean would take it wrong, thinking he was an obligation to be managed. Everything else though, he wanted to be crystal clear. This was the only way he could think to reach Dean and help Sam at the same time.

Sam and Dean responded at the same time with a “Tell us how you really feel.” From the former and a “Jesus Christ Cas are you trying to kill me from embarrassment?” 

Cas knew that had been his first big gamble of the conversation but noted that neither of them actually objected and he could see a little bit of tension ease out of Sam’s shoulders. Clearly, Sam understood the subtext of what was happening. He smiled and gave Dean’s hands a reassuring squeeze.

“Now that that’s settled, lets move on.”

“Thank God.”

“Dean, after I left the bunker yesterday, I ran into Sam at the gas station on the outskirts of town. We ended up having a long talk, and he is the reason that I came back last night.”

Dean looked at him warily, he didn’t really like having his privacy breached. “Not sure how I feel about that guys.”

Cas continued as if Dean hadn’t spoken.” Sam made me aware Dean that after Lucifer killed me, you didn’t deal very well with my absence. That you volunteered for suicide missions and went so far as killing yourself on your hunt at the asylum. Is that true?”

Dean’s heart rate jumped, where was this going? God damn he needed that drink. “That was then, but you are here now Cas, right? Like you just said that you weren’t going anywhere so what does it matter now?”

Sam didn’t look surprised by this turn in the conversation and Dean realized that he was being ambushed. “What the hell guys!? You’re ganging up on me? Fuck that shit!” He tried to get up, but Cas wasn’t letting go.

“Dean, please wait ok? Just talk to us.” Sam was pleading, and he never could say no to Sam.

“Fine.” Dean stopped pulling and sat back down.

“When I came back to the bunker last night, do you know where I found you?” It was a quietly spoken question but definitely also a loaded one.

“You tell me, you’ve got all the answers apparently.”

“The dungeon. Do you remember going to the dungeon?”

“Nope.”

“Do you remember where you left your gun?”

Silence.

“It was sitting out on the shelf. Can you tell me why you left your gun out?”

Dean swallowed but kept silent and averted his eyes.

“After we fought, after I left. You started drinking, yes?”

“Yes.”

“Were you planning to kill yourself last night Dean?”

“No.” he still didn’t look up and shook his head ever so slightly. His voice was barely above a whisper. “No.”

“Why was your gun out Dean?”

Dean bit his lip, trying to figure out what he could say next to get through this with minimal damage to his psyche.

“I was planning to get black out drunk, and I didn’t trust myself with it. So I put it out of my sight.”

“Why didn’t you trust yourself Dean?” Cas asked gently.

What the hell, might as well go all in. “I’m just so tired Cas, tired of all of it. I’m 41 years old, too broken to be any damn good to anyone, and I’m just tired of always being one step ahead of death. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier for, ah, all of us, if I, ah, just let go and let it catch me.”

“Jesus Dean, you’re killing me.” It was Sam’s turn to swallow hard and have his voice wavered. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Aww Sammy I didn’t want you to worry. I’m fine, really. It’s a just sometimes…when I drink too much and get stuck in my head. Don’t worry.”

“How do you think I would l feel, how Sam would feel if anything happened to you Dean?” Cas squeezed his hands again. Dean was embarrassed to be laid bare like this, but also maybe a little relieved to have everything out on the table.

“I’m sorry.”

The three of them were silent for a moment, partially to collect their emotions so they could continue, and partially to just process what had just happened.

“Dean, there’s more.” Cas was like a dog with a bone today. 

Dean lifted his head to meet Cas’s gaze, his green eyes flashed. Wasn’t this enough?

“Sam and I want to talk to you about your drinking. It’s got to stop. You’re losing control”

“Oh, so now it’s an intervention? Well fuck maybe you two should be partners then, you work so well together.” Dean pulled his hands away from Cas’s grip, and stood up. “Both of you can fuck right off. I’m done.”

He got three steps before Cas caught him. He grabbed his shoulder and spun him around somehow getting him seated back in his chair before he even knew what happened. “We. Are. Not. Finished.”

Sam couldn’t see everything from the angle of where the phone was placed but he could hear it and he could imagine the show down taking place. Cas was channeling the commander he used to be when he was in charge of an angelic garrison, and there really was no room for discussion in his tone.

Dean had sputtered apoplectically with anger; he did not take kindly to being manhandled. Cas however was stronger than he remembered. He couldn’t get away. He felt trapped. He felt like a ping pong ball, his emotions were pulling him in six different directions at once.

“OK Dean, I will make this quick because I can tell you are about done. But you need to know that Sam and I have already discussed what is happening next. You can choose how you are going to react, but your other choices have been made for you. We love you and we are not going to lose you.”

“Listen to Cas, he’s right. He called me after he found you last night and he’s right. I’m so sorry that I let it get this bad. I’m so sorry Dean.” He was crying openly now, he looked about as traumatized as Dean felt.

“You got about three seconds before I kick your ass Cas, spit it out.” All three off them knew Cas wasn’t letting him go, Dean was just posturing.

“After you went to bed last night, I called Sam and explained the situation. I have removed every drop of alcohol in the bunker, it’s gone, right down to your mouthwash. I am going to stay here with you while it clears your system, and Sam has agreed to cut his visit with Eileen short if we need help. From my research, simple withdrawal we can handle here, but if the effects are too much, we are taking you to the hospital for help because severe withdrawal can be dangerous, and my grace isn’t strong enough right now to heal you. Second to that, I’ve taken your car keys, all of the car keys until after you are clear, and I can trust you not to go out and buy more alcohol.”

Panic and fear blossomed in his chest, wining out over anger and a sense of betrayal. He drank to cope, he knew it was too much, it had been for awhile, but he didn’t know how to stop. And if he did stop, he didn’t know how he was going to keep the monsters at bay in his mind. 

He also knew that they were right, he didn’t want to turn into a belligerent drunken asshole like his dad and he didn’t want Sam to watch him drink himself to death. He recognized this for the lifeline that it was and simply nodded, looking down again. “Ok, if you promise to stay with me, ok.”

Castiel’s grip on him changed, as he knelt beside him so he could look Dean in the face. His open expression had returned. “I’m so proud of you Dean, we are almost there ok? Just hold on.”

It was Sam’s turn to bring it home. “This last part is my idea ok? Jody knows this therapist who is familiar with our world, monsters and all that. I’m tired too you know, maybe not exactly the same as you, but I know that I need more help than I can do on my own and deep down you must know that you do too. I was hoping maybe we could start out together? Work out our shit at the same time, get some peace of mind? Would you do that with me Dean? I don’t want to lose you and I don’t want to live this way anymore either. Please? For me?”

“OK Sammy, for you. If you trust them, I’ll go.” Deflated and exhausted, he had no more fight left.

Cas reached towards the phone. “I can take it from here Sam, thank you for everything, we’ll talk later.” 

He disconnected the call and still kneeling before Dean, placed a hand on each of his knees, searching Deans face to gauge which emotions battling inside were going to win over. After a moment it was clear that sorrow was going to be the victor. 

“I’m just so tired Cas.” Bitter sobs escaped Dean’s throat and for the second time in a day he threw himself towards Cas looking for comfort. “So tired.”

Cas welcomed him into his arms and folded him close, bringing them both down to sit on the floor because this was going to take awhile. “I know. It’s going to be ok; I promise. I love you; I’m not leaving you. It’s going to be ok.” He soothed over and over, just holding Dean while he let the poison inside slowly start to drain out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pretty long, but I just couldn't feel a natural break. It all needed to flow together. 
> 
> "Trauma in a person, decontextualized over time, looks like personality.   
> Trauma in a family, decontextualized over time, looks like family traits.   
> Trauma in a people, decontextualized over time, looks like culture. "  
> \- Resmaa Menakem


	8. Withdrawal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean goes through withdrawal, Cas continues to upset the dynamics, and Sam has to process how he feels about it.

The room was fairly dim, the bedside table didn’t throw out much light, and the smartphone Cas was using to scroll through online research provided the rest. He was propped up on what was now his side of the bed, legs stretched out, while Dean fitfully slept on the other. They were both on top of the bedding, but Dean was covered with a blanket. It was only mid-day, and they were both fully dressed. The while daytime/nighttime routine had been shot to hell over the past few days, but Cas felt like a little bit of continuity and routine would help keep Dean anchored. Dean needed the rest and would probably sleep all day, but Cas would make sure there was at least some attempt at dinner and transition to evening and sleep later on.

Looking down at him now, it was easy to see that he was agitated, even in rest. The last half week had been beyond rough. He was pale and his skin was still somewhat clammy although the all-out sweats had finally ceased. His lips were obviously dry from dehydration due to nausea and vomiting, but Cas was hopeful that Dean would be able to tackle some soup and fluids when he woke up. 

It had been three days since the videocall with Sam where Dean had agreed to a number of things, including the alcohol withdrawal he was going through now. As tough as that conversation had been, the 24 hours after that had been worse. Dean being, well, Dean had hidden just how bad his drinking had become-which was saying something because everyone knew it was bad. As the alcohol cleared his system the first day and overnight his symptoms got progressively worse- no sleep the first night, headache, nausea and vomiting, restlessness, and anxiety. Cas could literally see Dean coming undone and wished, not for the first time, that his grace had been strong enough to heal. But it wasn’t, it was barely keeping him energized and well.

Finally, at about 4:00 am when Dean started to become disoriented and his hands started shaking ever so slightly – he had called Sam for back-up. Sam got on the road immediately, and within the hour, before the sun had even considered rising, the three of them were on the way to the nearest hospital with an open emergency department. Sam drove while Cas sat in the back with Dean, and they made record time.

Thankfully – thankfully Cas had insisted that they accept him as Dean’s partner the day before because once they got to the reception desk in emergency Cas had simply owned the role. No questions asked by staff and poor Sam was the one left in the waiting room initially and doing coffee runs when Cas absolutely refused to leave Dean’s side or let go of his hand.

The hospital had kept them there in the emergency department most of the day and into the evening for testing and observation, Cas and Sam were mentally prepping for another long night in those hard plastic chairs when the resident came in. An intelligent-looking woman, younger than the rest of them but nonetheless a strong presence in her white lab coat and scrubs.

“Mr. Novak and Mr. Campbell? Is it ok if I call you Cas and Sam? Hi, I’m Dr. Hansen, just taking over from Dr. Kenney who you would have met earlier today. Dean, how are you feeling right now?” 

“Like shit.”

“Fair enough, do you know where you are?”

“Hospital.”

“Does anything hurt?”

“Those lights and the sound of your voice is giving me a damn headache.”

Dr Hansen chuckled; Dean wasn’t the first grumpy patient she’d seen today nor would he be the last. She took it in stride.

“Can you hold out your hands for me please?” Dean did and they were noticeably trembling. “OK thanks, you can put them down.”

She walked around to the side of the bed so he could face all three of them.

“Ok Dean, I have a few things to tell you and then we are going to let you go home ok? First of all, your family brought you in just in time, another hour or so and you would have been having seizures. Withdrawal from alcohol can be serious, even fatal for heavy drinkers. You are very fortunate to have such an excellent support system watching out for you. We did an ECG earlier to check your heart for rhythm issues that can sometimes happen in cases like these, but you are fine. Miraculously your liver seems fairly good as well. We gave you some diazepam this morning, which is why you were able to rest throughout the day and it additionally reduced the risk of developing those seizures. I think as far as severe effects go, so long as you take the diazepam for another few days, you should be in the clear. If your partner – Cas, feels comfortable taking care of you and your medication for a few more days I think you can go home and sleep in your own bed tonight. How about that?”

“You heard the doctor, get me my clothes Sammy.”

“Hold on, I’m not done Dean. Just a few more things.”

“Yeah, story of my life lately, hit me with it.”

“I’m sorry what?”

“Sorry Doc, everyone’s had a lecture for me this week. I just meant go ahead.”

She smiled at that and pulled a paper out of her lab coat pocket. 

“OK Dean, I’ll try to make it quick and kind. You are here because you have a drinking problem and it appears that you want to stop. Is that correct?”

“Yes.” Dean looked down avoiding everyone’s eyes and focused on Cas’s hand holding his, the hand that had barely let go of him all day.

“Good, I know that was hard for you, you should be proud of yourself for taking that first step. It’s important for you to know that you can overcome this and have a good life, but it will always be work. However, you strike me as someone who isn’t afraid of a little challenge.”

This time it was Sam’s turn to chuckle, if the doctor only knew. She pressed on.

“Clearly the odds are in your favor looking at Cas and Sam here, not all of my patients are so lucky. Just the same though, they can’t keep you from drinking, only you can. And you can’t do it alone, so here is a list of local sobriety groups you can look into when you are feeling better. I would also recommend that for the most success, you might want to see a counselor who can help you understand how your drinking became so serious and identify changes you can make moving forward. A list of local counselors is on the other side of the paper, no referral needed you just call.” She handed the sheet to Dean who eyed it warily but still accepted it.

“Finally, before I sign the discharge paperwork, let me say that I think physically you’ll get through the next part Dean. You are going to feel terrible for a few days yet, and it could take a while for those hand tremors to go away, but eventually, they will. If, however, you don’t feel right, come back straight away. And really, consider getting a family doctor at some point, there is no record of you in our system and I’m guessing you are at least a decade overdue for a proper medical exam.” Turning to smile brightly at Cas and Sam she added: “OK gentleman, are you ready to take your patient home? Here’s a script for the medication, if you don’t have any more questions the waiting room is filling up and I’ll be off to my next patient.”

No questions, Dean got his clothes and they were back on the road with only a brief trip to the 24-hour pharmacy before heading home. The drive back to the bunker was mostly quiet, Dean and Cas still in the back seat, only now at least the tension had ratcheted down while Dean dozed leaning in Cas’s shoulder. The quiet gave Sam a chance to talk to Cas while he drove, the roads were dead and there was a light drizzle slowing them down only slightly.

“So, ah, what happens next Cas?”

“Take us back to the bunker, after we get Dean inside you can head back to Eileen’s.”

“Don’t you want my help?”

Sam couldn’t see it, but he could almost feel Cas tilt his head to one side while considering the offer. They drove in silence for a moment, with only the wiper blades for punctuation. 

“Honestly Sam, I’d rather you didn’t.”

That hurt a little bit, it had been hard watching Cas take his place at the hospital and now it felt like Cas was pushing him out again. He tried to hide it in his voice but didn’t do a good job. “But what about food, you can’t cook, and the medication. What if Dean gets worse and you need to go back to the hospital? He’s my brother and we always take care of each other.”

More silence.

“I am sorry Sam, I did not mean to hurt your feelings. That is not what I meant.”

“Then what did you mean?”

“Did you mean it when you told me that you wanted to build a life with Eileen?”

“Yes, bu-“

“Do you think Eileen will always want to be second to Dean? Do you think that would be healthy for your relationship?”

“Well no bu-“

“Dean is my universe Sam. This is it for me. I literally watched Pangea separate and the world as you know it form. All of it, every experience in my very long life pulling me forward to here, finally, to your brother. I want you to experience the same, to have the freedom to follow your heart, but you can’t do that if you are tied to Dean 24 hours a day. Trust me Sam, I’m trying to help. I think that both of you will be able to have healthier relationships with each other and with Eileen and myself if you both create a little bit of...space for them to grow.”

Sam chewed on his lip for a moment, considering how he felt about that.

“It hurt my feelings a little bit today to be pushed off to the side while you got to stay with Dean at first.”

“I know.”

“But if Eileen were sick, I’d want to be the one by her side and nobody else.”

“Exactly.”

“Promise to call if you need my help?”

“Always.”

“Hey Cas?”

“Yes?”

“Did you really watch Pangea separate?”

~~~~~~

Watching Dean now, two days later and back in their room at the bunker, Cas couldn’t resist the urge to reach out and brush his check while he slept. Despite everything Cas had said and done, taking responsibility to get Dean from there to here, advocating at the hospital, and starting to set up healthy boundaries with Sam, he still considered being right here, right now, with Dean, a minor miracle. It had been so long and so hard to get here, and now it was like a switch had flipped and everything changed.

Dean had slowly been coming awake, and at feeling the touch on his face reached up to grab his hand, turning his head to kiss the palm and then bringing them both down to rest on his chest. Too sleepy to open his eyes.

“Hey Cas, still here?”

“Right here.”

“Not leaving?”

“Not leaving.”

“I’m tired”

“I know, rest, I’ll be here when you wake up.”

“Favour?”

“Anything.”

“I’m cold, warm me up.” Pulling the hand that he was already holding against his chest, Dean rolled onto his side leaving Cas no option but to move with him down the bed and onto his side as well, essentially becoming big spoon to Dean’s little spoon. “That’s better thanks.”

Dean sighed contentedly and started drifted back downwards into sleep again.

“Hey Cas?”

“Yes Dean?”

“Love you.”

“I love you too Dean.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to be as accurate as I could here. I did some online research on alcohol withdrawal and spoke with both a friend who had gone through it personally as well as another who is a health care professional that treats hospital inpatients with alcohol withdrawal fairly frequently. Then I cross-referenced all of that with how I think Dean, Cas, and Sam would have navigated it. 
> 
> Guaranteed, I didn't get it all right, but I tried because it's important, especially in 2020 when alcohol consumption has skyrocketed.


	9. In The Clear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas and Dean finally use their words to get on the same page.

Dean opened his eyes and blinked, the light from the lamp didn’t hurt for once. Weird. He felt…different. He paused for a second trying to put his finger on exactly what that feeling was, and then he realized that it was both the absence of the dull buzz of alcohol in his system, as well as the absence of a hangover when the alcohol wasn’t there. He was stone-cold sober for the first time since, well, since he could remember. It had been awhile. A long while.

Not moving, he just took a moment to adjust to the feeling. The bright light of sobriety flooded his brain with memories of the past weeks and months, everything he had been drinking to forget in the first place. Fear, loss, and grief washed over him in a wave that came out of nowhere and physically stole his breath and he made a noise that was somewhere between a gasp and a sob. 

“Shhh Dean, it’s ok, I’m here. You’re safe.”

He froze again, remembering the past few days. Cas coming back and leaving again, the night he got blackout drunk, Sam and Cas’s “intervention”, the hospital, and the medication they had given him to weather withdrawal. It must have worked out of his system now too, because everything was clear. Clear enough at least because he could feel Cas snuggled up behind him, chest to back, legs tangled in his own, arm swung over his side pulling him close, hips pushed against his ass, and his breath tickling the back of his neck.

“Cas, what’s going on?”

“Keeping you warm, remember?”

Ah, yes now he did. He not so delicately moved out of his embrace and sat upon the edge of the bed. “I’m good now, thanks.”

Cas didn’t move and was still lying on the bed when Dean turned back to look at him. He looked damn fine in the rumpled blue flannel and grey shirt that he’d stolen from Dean’s closet. Ignoring the draw to check out his hips and legs, Dean shifted his eyes up to meet Cas’s deep blue ones. He wasn’t sure if he was seeing amusement or concern, probably a mixture of both. Cas didn’t say anything and just waited for whatever Dean was going to say next.

Dean was tempted to head back into familiar territory, play it cool and play it straight, move on, and pretend they hadn’t just been spooning like lovers in a bed that way too small for two men their size. But he also remembered how it felt the last time he watched Cas walk out the door, the way Cas had sat with him on the kitchen floor, the way Cas had claimed him as his partner in front of Sam and then at the hospital. The memories were fuzzy but they were there, and damn it if he didn’t want that life more than he wanted the familiar. Terrified or not, he wasn’t stupid enough to lose his angel again. He leaned over Cas and kissed his cheek lightly, with more promise than passion. “I need a shower, I feel gross. Can you meet me in the kitchen in half an hour with coffee? We should probably talk about some things.”

Cas smiled back, reached across the bed, and squeezed Dean’s hand. There was no tension in his expression and the look of adoration shining in his eyes had Dean second-guessing his decision to leave the room. “I will make the coffee and something to eat, you get cleaned up.”

Dean stood under the hot water for a luxuriously long time, scrubbing every inch of skin at least twice as if trying to wash away a lifetime of regret and bad choices. The heat and shower pulse relaxed the tension in his neck and shoulders that had been sitting there for as long as he could reasonably remember. He could have stayed all day, but Cas was waiting for him and that was more than enough enticement to get out, get dressed, and make his way towards the kitchen. Fresh start he told himself under his breath as he followed the smell of brewing coffee, feeling more than a little nervous about how things were going to unfold. Even a sure thing can be a scary thing.

This time, Cas was already seated at the table, waiting for him. Two bowls of what looked like chicken noodle soup with grilled cheese on the side, and two mugs of coffee. “It’s canned soup, I’m still learning to cook, I figured you’d prefer this over a burnt offering.”

“Looks great Cas, I’m thankful no matter what.” He took the seat in front of his meal, shooting a smile across the table to show that he was sincere. Canned soup was canned soup, but he had to admit that the grilled cheese was properly made with a perfect ratio of cheese to bread and a deep golden color. “You’ve, ah, done a good job taking care of things around here while I was out of it, I just want you to know that I appreciate it….all of it.”

They ate in silence for a little bit, not awkward, but pensive. Cas was a perpetually patient angel and Dean figured it was always going to be up to him to break the ice for conversations like this.

“So, about everything…”

“Wait! I almost forgot.” Cas jumped up and ran over to the oven pulling out a plate. Looking pleased with himself he grabbed a fork on the way by and walked the plate over, setting it down on the table in front of Dean.

“Is that cherry pie?”

“I brought it home for you from the diner the other day, but you weren’t in any condition to eat it. Sam suggested that I cut it up and freeze it for when you were feeling better. I think now you are feeling better.”

“After the way I fucked everything up and hurt your feelings, you bought me pie?” Dean swallowed thickly, he wasn’t going to cry. He wasn’t. 

“I shouldn’t have left like that, I’m sorry Dean, I was trying to make amends.”

“Well, you can bring me pie anytime Sweetheart.” The words slipped out without thinking and Dean’s cheeks pinked up with embarrassment, looking quickly as he saw two spots of color on Cas’s as well. I guess that was his cue.

“OK Cas, let’s try again. About everything…” Sip of coffee and a deep breath. He reached across the table and rested his hand on top of Cas’s, while he stared back at him intently, waiting. “About everything…”

“You’ve said that three times Dean”

“Help me out here man, this is hard.”

“Sorry, how are you feeling?”

“Honestly? I’d kill for a drink right now, I know it’s not going to happen, but here I am, wishing.” Dean took a bit of pie and continued. Cas moved his hand under Dean’s and changed position, so their fingers were laced together. “I’m ok with that, I hope it’ll get better over time. But I expect it’ll take a while, I don’t even remember a time when I wasn’t drinking, it’s just been part of my life for so long.”

Cas didn’t comment, he just watched him with an open expression, waiting for him to continue.

“It’s ok though, I mean, I don’t want to go back. The last few days have been beyond awful and the days before that - well I never want to go back there. I just felt so lost and out of control, and then when you left…” he swallowed another lump in his throat while his eyes got glossy, “…I never want to feel that way again.” 

“I’m not going anywhere, but you know that you’re the only one who can make those choices about whether or not you drink, or how you are going to react when bad things happen.”

“I know Cas, I’ll see the counselor with Sam so we can both figure out our shit. It’s my job to not drink, but promise me you’ll be there if I ask for help?”

“That I can do.” Cas squeezed his hand and sent him a reassuring smile.

More companionable silence while Dean picked away at his pie and coffee. There was so much he wanted to say, but his mind was jumbled and emotionally he was wrecked from the rollercoaster ride he had been on these last few days. He just felt so raw. Finishing the pie and coffee he released his hand and carried the dishes to the sink. Washing could wait for tomorrow. Turning, he leaned back against the counter, crossed his legs at the ankles, and looked at Cas, really looked at him.

A lot of life - and death had happened to them both over the past 12 years, and the lines were etched in both of their faces to show it. Dean was 41 and too old to play any more games or put up with anyone else’s shit, and definitely too old to be causing it for the people he…loved. When Cas had first appeared in his life, he looked as young as Dean had at the time, giving off that badass angel vibe with a full head of messy hair that looked exactly like he’d just had wild sex, and a lean build that was featured in more of Dean’s fantasies than he wanted to admit. Now, the sex hair was still there, the build still the stuff of Dean’s hottest imaginings, but the badass angel vibe was somewhat muted and his face, just as aged as his own, with the lines that Dean had probably put there. Flat out, he took his breath away, and he was still more than a little afraid that if he blinked, Cas would be a mirage that disappeared. 

“Listen, I have a few things that I want to say, but I’m terrified that I’m going to fuck it up. Can you promise me, before I say anything else that you won’t walk out if I do? That you’ll give me a chance maybe to explain it better or figure out what I did wrong?”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Cas's expression was open, and his eyes meeting Dean’s with patient kindness. Just like the clothes and the room change, he was going to make this as easy as possible for Dean to get to where he needed to be. He titled his head to the side and waited.

Dean rubbed the back of his neck nervously and chewed his bottom lip for a moment.

“Hunters don’t get to live long or happy lives. That’s what my dad told me, all the time, my whole life. He was 52 when he died, always a tough sonofabitch, and I always figured I’d have been dead and gone before I got anywhere near there. I mean, you can’t do the shit we did and expect to even get up the next morning. There was never any point of me thinking about a damn thing other than making sure Sam was safe, I was always a dead man walking.”

He paused to corral his thoughts and figure out what he wanted to say next. “Didn’t matter if I drank, so long as I could still kill monsters, didn’t matter if I got hurt so long as Sam was safe, didn’t matter what I wanted so long as the job got done. Maybe a quick lay with a pretty girl – or sometimes a guy- along the road when I was feeling lonely, well that was pretty much all the happiness I was told that I was entitled to. It didn’t matter, because I never mattered.”

“And the thing is, I knew it was true because every time I pushed against it, every time I hoped for anything more, Chuck ripped it away. The people I got close to always suffered for knowing me. Anytime I let my guard down and tried to grab even a little more than the pile of shit I knew I was entitled to, people got hurt, people died. I’ve always been poison.”

By now Dean had crossed his arms across his chest, subconsciously trying to protect himself from his own words. He’d stopped looking at Cas while he spoke, staring at the floor instead. Thinking something about yourself was one thing, but speaking the words out loud left him feeling incredibly vulnerable. He continued.

“And I was fine with all of it, just went through the motions doing what I had to do and kept everything in check…” And here is when Dean looked back up at Cas, meeting the blue eyes that were watching him intently. “…except for you. I wanted – I’ve always wanted…so much…when it came to you…and it terrified me. I mean, the way you look at me, the way you were always there, saving my ass, giving a shit about me when no one else ever has…I’m not that stupid, I knew how you felt the whole time, and so help me, I wanted it so damn bad. But I don’t get to have a happy ending, and I sure as shit didn’t deserve a literal, fucking, angel, so I just treated you like crap figuring you’d eventually bail.”

“Dean, I…” Cas had heard enough and got up from the table and crossed the kitchen to stand in front of Dean. Intimately close with his legs apart, framing Deans and placing a hand on each bicep.

“Just let me finish ok?”

“I’m listening, but then it’s my turn.” Dean nods and continues.

“And every time you left, when I drove you away, I felt like I deserved it. But the times when you sacrificed yourself for us, for me, I just wanted to crawl into a bottle and wait there unit I died, and so help me, I think I was getting close.”

He was almost there, just a little more.

“I thought that seeing you being taken by the Empty was the absolute worst, but it wasn’t. It was when you came back, and left again because I had screwed it up, just like I had been afraid that I always would anyway.” Dean uncrossed his arms, trying to open up his posture and draw Cas closer by circling his hands around the back of his neck.

“Honest to God Cas, I don’t even know exactly what happened between you walking out the door and you standing here right now, but I want it, I want all of it.” Dean’s green eye’s captured Cas’s blue ones and held them with clear intent. “I’m an over the hill, out of work hunter with a mountain of baggage and a drinking problem, but, I love you so much that sometimes I can’t even breathe. Would you please wait here with me until I can get my shit together, so I can love you the way you deserve after putting up with me for so long?”

Castiel didn’t answer right away, which would normally trigger another internal spiral downward in Dean, except he remained close enough that their breaths were mingled together. Except, he was still wearing Dean’s old clothes and Dean had found his belongings stashed in his bedroom over the past few days. Except, before he said a single word about what Dean had just laid bare before him he had brought his hand up to catch Dean’s jaw making sure that he couldn’t look away or move out of range. Wordlessly and not at all gently as you would expect a first kiss from an angel, he slammed his mouth hard against Dean’s, no longer denying himself of something that he’d been waiting a long, long time for.

Meeting him measure for measure, it took a few moments before they came up for air, resting their foreheads together. Panting from a combination of oxygen deprivation and lust, after a few deep inhalations, Cas spoke in a voice that was impossibly deep.

“Is it my turn now? Because if it is, I want you to pay very close attention Dean.” He was still holding Dean so he couldn’t escape his gaze although the intensity itself would have pinned a lesser man to the spot anyway. Dean nodded slowly, green eyes not wavering.

“I should not have left you this last time, I was feeling…embarrassed. At the time I thought that being close to you was enough, even if you didn’t feel the way I felt, but I couldn’t handle it. I am sorry for the hurt that this caused you. Please forgive me.” This time he did lean in a kiss Dean gently.

“I am not sorry that it happened if it means that we are here now though. This, you here with me is already more than I had ever hoped, and I’m not going anywhere. Ever again.” He ran his thumb down along the line of Dean’s jaw, and around to rub it across his bottom lip. An intimate gesture that Dean accepted and encouraged in return by parting his lips just enough to quickly dart his tongue out lick the pad, following it with a feather-light kiss. Cas choked back a loan groan and his pupils blew wide and dark.

“Later. Talk first. ” It came out pretty close to a growl, he swallowed and started again. Squaring his shoulders so Dean would pay attention and not try to distract him.

“That was the absolute last time you are ever going to talk about yourself that way, do you understand?” He punctuated every word to make sure they landed where Dean would hear them.

“You are NOT poison. You matter. Your life is precious. Do not ever say otherwise again. Are we clear on that?” Shocked because that was the last thing Dean had actually expected to hear at that moment, he froze in place. “I pulled you from Hell and literally stitched your soul back together with my own grace, I know who you are and who you are not. I have not sacrificed and waited for you all of this time because you were not worthy of being loved, I did it because you were. You are.”

Dean desperately wanted that to be true, but the gap between hearing and believing was so very large. He thought he would have been out of tears given the emotional rollercoaster he’d been on over the past week, but he was not. They coursed freely down both cheeks, a healing balm this time that somehow watered hope deep in his heart.

“I don’t know if that’s true at all Cas, but you make me want it to be.” Almost shyly he framed Cas’s face with his hands and leaned in kiss him, and then resting their foreheads back together. He sighed feeling like maybe, finally, things were going to be ok. “Where do we go from here?”

“Well, I’m a fallen angel with weakening grace that currently leaves me 7/10 human. I would like to spend the rest of it, and my eventual human existence at your side until such a time as we can convince our son Jack to admit both of us into Heaven together. I don’t plan to lose you again.”

“You’re a goddamned genius Cas, you know that right?” The mood had shifted, finally some lightness and levity.

“By human standards? Absolutely, except maybe for cooking.” 

“Yeah, well I’ve got you covered there sweetheart. You’re not going to go hungry for food…” Dean grinned like he was up to something, and he surely was. “…or for anything else. I’ve waited too long and had too many sleepless nights thinking about you to wait a minute longer. Bedroom. Now.”

Bunching the front of his flannel in his fists, Dean pulled Cas in for a kiss that was open and sensual, nibbling on his bottom lip. So long had this been coming that it really didn’t take much to go from a spark to intense flame. It had been a while, but Dean Winchester knew how to build that particular flame into a raging fire. Cas was, for once helpless to do anything but go along. Never letting go of his shirt, and lips parting only to come up for air, they made their way to the bedroom and kicked the door closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it, I gave you a nice long chapter to wrap it all up and I hope that you enjoyed the story.

**Author's Note:**

> You didn't think it was going to be that easy for Dean did you? Can't fix a decade of longing in a single conversation, especially when you have issues being emotionally vulnerable. Enjoy the ride, I hope that there are a few twists and turns that you will like. This is my first AO3, please be kind, I'm still learning ;-)


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